Introversion

I’m surprised by how comfortable being alone at home is to me. I knew that I loved it for a day or two, but I thought I’d be bored by weeks of it. Not yet. Right now watching myself heal from my former work situation, struggle with trying creative activities, and taking care of my mother has given me plenty to ponder and observe. I’m probably a little overly interested in myself but I am fascinated by self-awareness. It seems so elusive. Just when I think I know myself I either change or someone points out the obvious which I had somehow missed.

I’m particularly struck by how little I crave contact with others. I just had an interview and told the interviewer that I am an introvert. She expressed disbelief. People usually do. I can be rather animated and sometimes it’s quite easy for me to talk. I grew up in a loud household where I had to compete to be heard. So I’ve learned how to project my voice and how to get attention. But I came home and took a nap after that interview. She was the first person, other than my husband and the plumber, who I’d spoken with in several day and it exhausted me. Not only did I have to talk with people I’d never met before, but I had to talk about myself.

I know that friendships are important, that they satisfy a real need in everyone, and that I enjoy seeing my friends. I just seldom feel the need to interact with people. I almost never call a friend. And it’s difficult for me to plan a party or gathering. I know my friends care about me, and most of the time that’s all I seem to need.

I miss living in a dorm or in a commune. I could usually get the amount of alone time I needed, and when I did feel an urge to be with people they were right there. The same was true when I was working. I could get short spontaneous interpersonal interactions and these were satisfying.

The less I practice interacting with people, the less confident I am about my ability to be social. I used to write down comments and conversation starters I could use at gatherings, so I wouldn’t be at a loss for words once I was there. I don’t have to do that much any longer, but I do still feel jittery sometimes, even with very close friends. Seeing others requires me to refocus, to be alert, to get my timing down, and do the niceties I don’t always understand or appreciate.

Today I’m going to take solace in the fact that I’m an INTP–a personality type shared by only one percent of the female population. So, of course, I feel a bit like an alien. I also feel special and unique. It’s not such a bad trade-off. I just hope my friends  understand that I love them even if I never ever call them.