Wanton act of optimism: One year later

I quit my job a little over a year ago. Unemployment was high, friends were being laid off, and the economy was uncertain. It didn’t look like a good time to just up and quit. No unemployment benefits. Just living off my husband until I could find a job. But quit I did, with more excitement and joy than trepidation.

At first I simply enjoyed not knowing what to do with myself–not because I was getting conflicting messages from the leaders around me, but because I hadn’t been out of work since the mid 80s. I felt incredible relief from stress. I still had nightmares and work dreams but they became fewer and fewer. I got out and took photos. I applied for work. I started cooking diners. I was afraid of becoming a housewife, but I was so grateful to my husband for making this big move easy that I discovered I was happy to play the role.

I planned a trip to see the niece whose wedding I missed because I could no longer afford the trip to Mexico. It became a road trip to Colorado which included my mother, another niece, and her three kids. It was a great way to share each other’s company.

Then Mom got sick from Denver’s high altitude. She was hospitalized and I still had to help my niece drive back home. I did that, had good conversations with her along the way, and then flew back out. Now I got a chance to get to know my niece’s new husband and get a real feel for their life and where they live. I certainly got familiar with their living room chair while waiting for Mom to recover from a heart attack she suffered while hospitalized.

Not having a job made it possible for me to easily spend the necessary time in Colorado. And when we got back home and Mom had another heart attack, it made it possible for me to continue caring for her. When she had another one and it became very clear that her dementia made it dangerous for her to live on her own, I had the time to quickly evaluate housing and care options. I can’t imagine how stressful that would have been if I had to arrange for someone to cover my work during that time. There was no one left at work to do anyone else’s job on top of the other two or three jobs they were doing. I would have felt a lot of guilt.

I’m almost thankful for all the job stress that caused me to quit, to just give up and walk away from what once had been the best job I’d ever had. Not feeling all that stress made it much easier to rediscover positive attitude. Not being stressed meant that Mom watched me make arrangements for her while in a relatively positive mood and she didn’t pick up any clues that this move was anything other than normal and appropriate. If I had been receiving work calls while in her hospital or nursing home room, she would have felt guilty for taking me away from where I needed to be. And getting someone into long-term care can be a full-time job for a while.

I stopped looking for work during that time. I made one instead. There’s a website called the unintentional entrepreneur and I guess that’s what I’ve become. I love it. I love working with people who aren’t being forced to work with me, or who are trying to use me to get some unspoken need meet or agenda promoted. I know what I’m doing and for what reasons. I can once again be proud of my work. I’m enthusiastic once again.

Do I make as much money as I did before? No. Do I need as much money? No. I’ve found that the luxury of time trumps the feel of wearing new clothes. I’m a natural miser, I must admit. I love the challenge of spending less. After bringing home no income for almost a full year I now feel like every dollar a client pays me is an unexpected bonus.

Am I lonely? No. I’m an introvert so that helps. But I’ve found that seeing a former co-worker because we’ve both made the effort to see each other builds deeper relationships. I love seeing someone and not immediately bitching about work. I feel like I’m interesting again.

I’ve found that having someone home during the day makes a household crisis much easier to deal with. I’ve found that getting a thank-you from my husband for even a poorly made meal can make me feel valued.

Before I quit I worried that I could no longer feel optimistic about anything. I was a cynic, expecting the worse. No one these days tells me that I’m no longer any fun to be around. When someone tells me I’m talented, I once again believe them. It’s much easier to be creative when you have a chance for success.

A year ago I wrote that optimism in the face of despair is a visionary act. I didn’t envision my mother’s health crisis and I certainly didn’t envision that I’d be doing work I loved and getting referrals for my services. But I did have a measure of faith in myself and a faith in my husband that made it possible to reject the toxic environment where I had been earning my living.

Once again I feel trusted. My husband trusted me to make something of my time after quitting and to continue to contribute to our household. Former colleagues and friends trust me to provide professional services for their friends. My clients trust me to do good work on their behalf. I trust in my own talents, too. I’m so grateful to find this trust again. Trust is one of my highest values and I’m so thankful to be living in accordance with my own values once again.

My wanton act of optimism, January 2009