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Deployment oddities

Posted on Monday, May 16, 2011 in Army wife, Military Spouses

So has HabMoo deployed yet? He’s at Camp Ripley right now but will be home at the end of the week. So not really. His formal deployment ceremony is on Sunday. Will he be deployed the next day? Not really. He has home station activities. After that? I’m saying yes. Although he won’t be leaving the country yet and he’ll have another visit home.

This really messes with my head. Can I grieve yet? Can I begin some new activity to occupy my time alone yet? Can I get his stuff out of my way yet? I’m not sure.

HabMoo’s last deployment (or pre-deployment) training phase didn’t have much of an effect on my life. I went to his going away party, watched him open silly gifts, and get drunk, but then I left the party early. I felt a little sad but he was just a friend, and I was more concerned about my boyfriend’s second departure for a Peace Corps assignment after being evacuated from the Ivory Coast when fighting broke out there.  HabMoo’s trip abroad to represent the United States seemed like it would be better supported, better funded, and better organized.

A few months later and HabMoo was still in the states and I visited a few times. During one of those visits we said I love you and on another he asked me to marry him. So we used that deployment, really pre-deployment, time to give us the perspective on our feelings. So maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling more relaxed now that he’s out of the house. I expect something good from this time.

But now that the short trip I took to take my mind off his deployment is over, I’m turning my attention to his coming back home (I look forward to it. I miss him.) I’m also turning my attention to his departure ceremony (But he just left. I’m going to miss him.) I’m pretty good with contradictions and paradoxes, but this one is juggling my emotions like a Cirque du Soleil performer. I can’t imagine having to explain this all to little kids. Daddy’s back! No dear, he hasn’t actually left even though he was gone and we said good-bye.

I’m a little afraid that HabMoo is going to come home to a greeting from me that is just as confused. “I miss you! Haven’t you left yet?”

  1. k- its nice to read your blog, and catch up on the goings on, i miss you two, and wish i wasnt so far away, but i can be nearer, in my heart now with so much plowed outta the way. i can relate to what you are saying it makes so much sense. i can really understand your preparedness and confusion, i am sure he feels the yo-you too, but i am sure happy to keep seeing you one more time, i would be. i will be in touch, i want to be there for one of the goodbyes because i long to say hello after my long time away. thank you for the nice card- love u both so much…

  2. Well, now I understand better why it’s been difficult for me to keep straight when Alex is leaving (and leaving) (and leaving). Every time I ask, I feel like it’s just too complicated to remember.
    K, it’s true I don’t understand what this is like for you, but I do understand loss much better than I would like so that may allow some empathy. I am looking forward to spending quality time with you 🙂 in the coming months.
    Since I also have a great deal of trouble asking for help and support from my friends, we’re really going to have to struggle to invite each other out for coffee, movies, hang time. But it WILL happen.

  3. Once again, you’ve described a muddled emotional and mental state with great clarity. Like Peggy, I can’t say I know what this experience is like, but you are very much in my thoughts.

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