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Deployment moves in

Posted on Friday, June 10, 2011 in Army wife, Military Spouses

Even though HabMoo will be coming home for a couple of days before he leaves the country, the deployment is beginning to feel real. I can tell because of these tell tale clues:

  • I can’t look at the calendar. I’m having a terrible time with days and putting things on my calendar.
  • I’m paying all the bills and not liking it. (Normally I don’t like it that he’s been taking care of them. I like knowing where all the money is.)
  • I haven’t cleaned the toilet recently.
  • It’s after 7 and I haven’t thought about dinner yet.
  • I’m playing a lot of Phantom Brave.
  • I’m being careful about the music I listen to. Liking Country music makes things tough.

I wrote HabMoo a letter today. It’s terribly old fashioned, but it feels more personal and more intimate than a phone call. I wrote about feeling like I unwittingly married the National Guard when I wedded him; it’s a third member of our partnership. I feel like the other woman. Right now he’s with her and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I hate to admit that I’ve been watching Army Wives, but I started when I needed to make myself give in to some tears. The writers have had the wives talk about “choosing this life” and I just don’t get that. I chose my husband. I did not choose his career. I did not choose this life. I would never consider choosing a career for him. I’m not even sure if I have any problems with it except that I don’t feel like I’m an equal partner.

The Guard calls and he answers. The Guard tells him what to wear and he wears it. I got him to buy cowboy boots, but he won’t wear them every day for me. The Guard tells him where and when to sleep. It feeds him. He serves it. I’m not sure I want that much power over him—but damn it—if someone is going to have that kind of control of him shouldn’t it be his me?

Like a mistress, I remind myself that it’s really me he loves. I know that when he can come to my side, he will. I want to get into a direct competition, but I can’t and I won’t. There’s legitimacy to what he’s doing and where he is. Luckily I’m not a naturally jealous woman.

It’s a little weird, though, to be paying the bills with money coming from that legitimate partner. It’s a little like a wife paying the mistress for the nights her man is at home. Except my taxes go to make that payment. It’s really much messier than Army Wives would lead you to believe (and the people are much less pretty and articulate).

  1. I like it that you wrote him a letter, K. It’s so much more substantial than an email although not so immediately emotionally satisfying, perhaps, as a phone call. And yes, it’s a good thing you’re not a naturally jealous woman! 🙂

  2. Sometimes I think that it’s more like *you’re* the mistress and the Guard is the abusive wife that I have to stay with until the kids have grown up or something. Only 25 more years to go, then I’ll divorce her, I promise!

  3. 25 years from now we’ll be getting a dog.

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