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Soothing my cervix

Posted on Sunday, October 16, 2011 in Me

My cervix is chronically irritated. What am I to do? I do not have cancer; I do not have HPV; but I have had positive PAP results since 2002.

What could be irritating my cervix? It’s not like it has to help kids with homework, or put together IKEA furniture, or buy groceries on a Friday after work. It doesn’t have a bank account or in-laws or drive an old car. So how am I supposed to calm it down?

Are there meditation classes for the cervix? Should I download the sounds of a wooden flute playing over the sounds of waves breaking upon a beach? And then hold my iPod between my legs as I play it?

Can a cervix hold a grudge? Should I take it in for counseling? Help it work through its issues with the neighboring uterus? Maybe it learned that my vagina is longer and it has short cervix syndrome? Or maybe it’s upset with me for not allowing it to “ripen” and let a baby pass through? (I did not know that the cervix would ripen. According to one website it means the same thing as softening. But I immediately pictured it turning swelling up, turning red, and falling out. Eek.)

Maybe my cervix is just grossed out. The PAP results keep showing problems with its squamous cells. That’s a great Scrabble word, but it sounds icky. If I learned that someone called me squamous I’d be upset, but I think I’d get over in a matter of weeks, not years. I’d be a little upset maybe, but not inflamed.

Maybe I just have a crotchety cervix. Like the Andy Rooney of my reproductive system.

My cervix seem to have been irritated ever since I started having sex with the opposite sex. Is my cervix a committed radical lesbian separatist cervix? It’s possible I suppose, but even when my husband has been deployed for months on end, it’s still been irritated.

What if it just likes being the center of attention? I’ve had four different doctors during this cervical hysteria so I don’t think my cervix has a crush on my doctor. Maybe it’s a masochist who likes the pain of a colposcopy (biopsy procedure.)

If my latest PAP results are also positive I may be taking a trip to Mayo where I hope they will serenade my cervix and make it feel pretty and the center of attention. If they do another colposcopy I expect them to use only the finest white wine vinegar—maybe with just a hint of tarragon. The Mayo is a class act, right?

If this post made you feel a bit uncomfortable, do not do any Google searches. You’ll find photos one woman took of her own cervix every day for a month. Mine will not be getting that kind of attention. I don’t care how irritated it gets.

  1. Since no one has commented on your cervix, I feel that I have to. I am very sorry that it/she has issues. I think you covered ALL logical possibilities. Hopefully the miricle workers at Mayo will find the answers. Does it bother you? or is it just the doctors don’t like the looks of it? Maybe it will be like when Luke was a baby and all the doctors kept freaking out that he breathed fast (a symptom of heart problems) and then we’d finally get to the expert (neo-natal mostly) that would just tell us that he was perfectly healthy, he just breathed fast. He was just on the edge of that bell curve of normal. Maybe your cervix is just on the far side of the bell curve, off on the irritated side. Love ya.

  2. While I completely understand this analogy, I am disturbed by the connection of Andy Rooney to your reproductive system. I find him so annoying. Egads, you cervix now annoys me to. I prefer it to be a radical lesbian separatist cervix.

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