You know how scientists get all huffy if you credit your cat with human attributes like egotism, vanity or snobbery? Even though it’s true. We mustn’t believe that our dogs actually feel shame when wearing the cone or dressed up like R2D2. But yet health care professionals talk about our organs as if they had independent thought and volition. Consider these examples.
Lazy eye. How do they know it’s lazy? Maybe it has an artistic temperament. Or maybe it’s bored by lab coats. It shows up for work each time the lids raise, so I don’t think it should be called lazy. How about just unmotivated?
Angry wound. I think it should be called a morally outraged wound. Your knee wasn’t the one who decided to try biking up steps. It deserves to be angry. Getting all red is appropriate and justified. And putting a stinging liquid on it won’t make it any less angry. The anger just becomes more passive aggressive, I believe.
Bum leg. Who uses the word “bum” anymore? It should be deadbeat. How’s your deadbeat leg feeling today? Not working for you? Get a desk job.
Nervous stomach. Why aren’t they all always nervous? They have no control over what you send their way. Is that lazy eye going to bother to read an expiration date or nutritional information? Stomachs just seem to enjoy being upset. Instead of taking Tums maybe we should be building its confidence. I do that by giving mine Cheetos as recognition for its bravery and wisdom.
Hostile uterus. Who wants to hear that their uterus is hostile? It makes you wonder if there is an insurgent mob just waiting to strap on a bomb and go after each sperm that enters. Or maybe your uterus has been mined with IEDs. How are you supposed to get into a romantic mood knowing your uterus is arming up each time you get horizontal?
Tortuous colon. I just discovered that I have one of these and that’s why I wrote this post. I had to be given more drugs during my colonoscopy because they discovered that my colon was tortuous. I imagine that the doctor and nurses took a collective deep breath, changed into scrubs with bright colors, put on headbands, guzzled some Mountain Dew, and went to work on my eXtreme colonoscopy, braving the black diamond turns and twists. That’s right. If you’re going to be shoving something up my rectum, you better be prepared. It’s unapologetically tortuous in there.
I did not know that a colon could be treacherous until I read about it on my discharge papers. So once again science confuses me. I guess because body parts belong to humans, we can talk about them as if they were each an individual human. I just hope I don’t have a diva ankle or backstabbing palm.